What Grown Ups Do

Posted on | April 13, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
I am gay and have recently started dating a very nice man. I only found out through other people, not him, that he had been married to a woman. I’m not surprised, because he isn’t as interested (or as good at) sex as all my previous boyfriends.  I’m thinking that maybe he isn’t really gay but just trying this out because he had such an unhappy marriage.  Is there any way I can find out if he’s “just experimenting.” I don’t want to waste my time if he is.
Not Interested in Test Driving

Dear Test Drive:
This seems like the right time for a good old-fashioned conversation.
Tell him exactly how you feel. He will either convince you, or he won’t. Either way, there should be no hurt feelings nor bitterness.

Just Do It

Posted on | April 13, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
My wife and I are both in our 40s and have had a great marriage for the past 12 years. I recently decided that I wanted to get a tattoo. I can’t explain why, I just do. The problem is that my wife hates tattoos and refuses to allow me to get one. I’m torn between doing what I want (I’m a grown man for goodness sake) and respecting my wife’s wishes. Where does one draw the line in a relationship? Is she being overly controlling? Or I am being inconsiderate and selfish?
Wannabe Me

Dear Wanna:
Sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Ambiguity Breeds Contempt

Posted on | April 10, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
I am working with a non-profit group in my town that is driving me batty. I believe in the work that the group does, but I can’t stand the politics, the meetings, the bickering and indecisiveness. Is this common in non-profit organizations or is this one especially dysfunctional?
Getting Crazy

Dear Crazy:
The thing about For-Profit companies is that their goals are relatively unambiguous.  The thing about Not-For-Profits, in our experience, is that there is ambiguity under every rock. Dysfunctional? Organizations are like families. To paraphrase Tolstoy, “Functional organizations are functional in the same ways — dysfunctional ones are all quite unique.”

In a Word

Posted on | April 7, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
There is a guy in town that I would love to have sex with but he’s been married for over 20 years to a woman who happens to be a friend of mine — so I figured it was never going to happen. HOWEVER — I have recently found out that he’s been fooling around with guys on the side so I figured I might have a chance. Since he’s already broken his marriage vows with other guys, would it be wrong for me to have sex with my friend’s husband?
Still a Sista

Dear Sista:
Yes, it would be wrong.  What are you thinking?

1 person likes this post.

Bad Karma

Posted on | April 7, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
I recently got engaged and am planning my wedding for May 2015. The guest list hasn’t been determined and we don’t really even know how many people we will invite. The other day, a co-worker asked me if I was going to invite her (which seemed rude and premature) and that if I wasn’t, would it be okay if she came and she would pay whatever the per person cost would be for her and her boyfriend. I was a bit dumbfounded and kind of stammered “yes” because I didn’t know what to say. Now I regret saying that and I’m not sure what to do. Do I have to officially “dis-invite” her or should I just ignore her when the invitations go out. And one more question — isn’t this a bit weird? Have you ever heard of such a thing?
What’s Happening?

Dear What:
We don’t know how these things got so “transactional” but it needs to stop. It’s weird and you should invite who you want to invite

Like It or Leave

Posted on | April 7, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
I meet a woman in my neighborhood for breakfast occasionally.  I’ve seen others roll their eyes when this woman’s name is mentioned and I never understood why. Now I get it– she is a name dropper like I’ve never seen before. It’s so annoying and gauche, talking about events to which others were not invited.  I don’t even know how to respond except to say “sounds fun.” I  wonder if this is deliberate or completely thoughtless.  When I bump in to her around town now, I want to reverse course and run. Why do people do this?  What is a polite way to respond?
Not Interested

Dear Not:
People do this to make themselves appear important.  Respond politely — all other options are decidedly NOT.


Posted on | April 6, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
I work really hard at child care, elder care and service to my community. I serve on the Board of Education in my town which is endlessly time consuming. I really like what I do but because I don’t get a pay check, I feel like my friends think my responsibilities are “optional.”  I am the one who is always expected to accommodate to their schedule. I really don’t want to make a scene but if someone breaks a date again because they “have so much work” after I have arranged “my work” to be able to meet them I think I will scream. Any ideas?
Daisy Do Right

Dear Ms. Right:
Haven’t you heard? American culture values $$ over nearly everything else, lip service to family values and community service not withstanding. YOU must respect yourself and your choices before your friends will. Let’s assume the best: they really never thought about your commitments. Next time someone presumes that you will cheerfully “understand” or “accommodate” say, “This is VERY inconvenient.  Please don’t do it again.”


Posted on | April 6, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
There is a casual friend that I run into often and every time she says “oh we must have dinner and get to know each other better.” Several times, I called her back and she was either busy or didn’t return my call. So now when I see her and she says this, it pisses me off because I know she’s being completely insincere. Would it be appropriate for me to point this out to her? It would certainly make me feel better.
Pissed Off

Dear P:
Why do you assume that it is YOUR responsibility to make her dream come true? If she wants to get to know you, and perhaps she does, let her offer an invitation. You could start the ball rolling with an accusation of insincerity — but it might be better to say “call me with some options…”

Why Do You Ask?

Posted on | April 6, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
What do you think of Andrew Sullivan?

Dear C:
We <3 Andrew.   ;)

Caveat Emptor

Posted on | March 31, 2014 | Comments Off

Dear Short Answers:
I recently started dating a woman and we seem to really hit it off.  But I just found out that she is living with (and I really mean LIVING with) another woman.  She has invited me back to her house and hinted that we might get into a three-some with her “roommate.”  I am kind of curious and more than a little bit turned on but not sure if this kind of thing ever really works out.  Do you think people can truly be bi-sexual?  I don’t want to be the one who gets hurt in this situation.
John Doe

Dear Doe:
It depends on what you mean by “works out.”  If you are looking for a serious relationship with this woman, we think she has just told you that is NOT a possibility. If you are looking for a potentially interesting experience, it’s a definite “maybe.”  But be clear — it is an erotic adventure and not an affair of the heart. Hint: Sense of humor always helpful in these situations.

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